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Infertility: Not a Do Over, But a Do Again


Life is sweet, except for infertility. This is my story.

Looking back at the way events have unfolded in my life over the last few years, it can seem at times like I’m living in a fairytale.

There’s been romance, adventure, and the most amazing cast of characters that have helped to make my story even more fanciful and sweet.

When I reflect on the way my life has been blessed, I can’t help but to be thankful and wonder what I did to deserve all this. I don’t take any of this for granted.

That’s why it’s so hard to admit that I think a lot about one thing that I don’t have. I pray about it everyday. I stress about it. Cry over it. And I feel terrible. I mean, I have everything I could ever want, isn’t it greedy to want more? Shouldn’t I be focusing on the positive things I have going on instead of spending energy on the thing that isn’t happening?

I’ve tried. I have.

But I still want more.

I want another baby.

I have friends who haven’t had even one baby, yet, and here I am wanting a second one.

Ayva is the absolute joy of my life. Becoming a mother to her was the missing piece that completed me when she was born. If it happens that I don’t have any more children, I am thankful that the one I have is so outrageously perfect for me.

She’s part of the reason that I want a baby. She’ll be such a great big sister, and she’s talked a lot about how she would take care of her little brother or sister. Being a big sister myself, I’ll be able to help her navigate the sometimes challenging role, and celebrate the wins. It’s a big job and Ayva is totally up for it.

Then there’s Terrence. World’s Best Dad. He’s never had a chance to experience the infant years. The first smile, first laugh, crawling. He’s done the work of fifteen fathers with our daughter, and he totally deserves the opportunity to wake up at 3 am for a feeding bask in sweet baby love.

Finally, there’s me. My first pregnancy and baby having experience wasn’t easy at all. There were so many silver linings that the impact of the tough parts don’t really affect me anymore, but still, I’d love to be able to have a pregnancy when I’m emotionally and financially stable with a supportive partner and no external stress. I want to read the pregnancy test and be excited instead of scared out of my mind. I want to be able to remember to take pictures in the delivery room, and videos every single day of my maternity.

It’s not really a do over that I’m looking for. I actually would NOT change anything from my first go round. I learned so much about myself, about learning to trust other people and ask for help, and gained perspective that truly changed my life. No, what I want is a do again. Differently.

We’re a great family. Terrence, Ayva, and I will be so good to a new baby, whenever they come. If ever they come.

I’m just praying for a chance for us to be able to do it again.


Joyce Brewer

Friday 6th of May 2016

Lifting you up, my friend.


Saturday 7th of May 2016

Thank you, Girlfriend! <3


Friday 6th of May 2016

Thank you for sharing. I completely understand where you are coming from. I had my son (who will be 12 next month) at 23 years old. I was completely unprepared and I was single. I too learned a lot about myself in that year and a half of raising my son by myself, but it was challenging. When my husband and I had our daughter (who will be 6) it was a completely different and incredible experience for many of the reasons you mentioned that you would love to go through. I truly hope you get that chance girl. Hugs.

Jeanne McCullough

Friday 6th of May 2016

You 3 deserve all the happiness in the world. Ayva would make a wonderful big sister, too. I'm sending lots of love your way!


Friday 6th of May 2016

It's not ungrateful at all to want another baby. I have three kids and I want another. I've had more miscarriages than I can count. I've stopped counting. I only pay attention to what I can control. Making sure I'm as healthy as possible. Tapping into Chinese medicine for getting pregnant because it worked for me to get pregnant with my other children. Also keeping busy with the day to day and enjoying the family I have now. It's easy to get discouraged as all of the pregnancy announcements of those around you constantly come out. Just know you aren't alone and there are others that can relate.

Heather M

Friday 6th of May 2016

Aw girl. This is a really tough challenge to deal with because every day it's something to wait for. And it's long and the emotions are high...then low. It's conflicting and you DON'T have everything you want. That hole is there and I know you look at your beautiful daughter and you look at women who are struggling to get that first baby and feel selfish but your mama's heart is crying out to complete your family and you need to be okay in the wanting while not dwelling on the not having.

God gave you this desire and my prayer is that you continue to walk this journey with grace and patience - with yourself! I pray that you have fabulous news soon and I will be rejoicing with you every bit of it. Thank you for opening up because you can't even know how many women are out there, feeling like you are.