We’re living in some tumultuous times, y’all. Race relations in this country have gone to the crapper. Mothers are scared for their sons. There’s a war on our daughters, and women are still earning less than men in the workplace for doing the same job. Folks are killing people over parking spots, police officers are going rogue, and over 240 school girls from Nigeria are still with their captors over a year later. Just a few weeks ago, as many of us were celebrating the resurrection of Christ on Easter Sunday, the families of 148 Kenyan students who were massacred because of their Christian faith a few days earlier were still in shock and mourning.
I know what’s going on.
It may not seem like it sometimes, like when I’m sharing pictures of Ayva in her Easter dress on Instagram, when I’m walking through the craft store shopping for ribbons and washi tape, or when I’m standing in line for coffee. It might seem like I’m oblivious to the overwhelming challenges that so many of my fellow humans are facing. I’m not. I’m actually in self preservation mode.
Regardless of what’s going on outside of our home, my 5-year-old still needs me to be Mommy. My husband, dealing with stress of his own, needs me to be his wife and helpmate. I need to be strong enough to be able to be there for the both of them. And to keep breathing. I have to stay alive.
Trust me, I get that life is hard. My baby brother jumped off of a bridge last month because life is hard. I get it.
I’ve had to make the decision, however, to step away from the hardness of life. I can’t share my thoughts in the discussions about Warren Scott’s killing, or talk about the ESPN reporter who was so viciously mean to that parking lot attendant, or Anthony Hernandez who took a man’s life and threw his own away. I just can’t right now. My entire being is too fragile, and I don’t have the freedom to breakdown or be shattered right now. I know that sounds like a cop out, and maybe it is, but it’s the truth. It’s my truth.
I’m not oblivious. I know that there are people who are hurting way more than me right now. I know that we all need to take action to make things better for everyone. I know that. Right now, though, I just don’t have anything to give.