People are always complimenting me on how put together I am. They say that I’m amazing and so professional. Every day I consciously work to motivate other people because I know the power of authentic, positive, encouraging words. Each day I make sure to tell my daughter I love her a million times, and I let my husband know I appreciate him and think about him when he’s not around. I pray. Folks pray for me. I read my Bible. My entire life is filled with so much love. So many blessings.
And I still get depressed.
It always comes in slow, these blues that I get. I feel my energy changing. I’m tired, but can’t sleep. Not hungry. I start getting short with folks. Not snippy, but less exclamation marks in my emails. Speaking words just feel…heavy. Every day it gets worse, until I find myself coming in the house and heading straight to the bedroom to hide under the covers because everything is just too much. That’s where you could find me two days ago. In the bed. I crawled out and dragged myself to the couch for meetings (on Google Hangout) that I needed to attend for work. With fingers feeling like bricks, I pounded out emails, trying carefully to not let my blue seep onto the screen. Ayva watched television all day, I ordered pizza for dinner, and I texted Terrence to please come home as soon as he could.
The funny things is, unless I said something, none of you would know. I still update Facebook and Twitter. I chat with coworkers. I have blogger coaching sessions. Life’s obligations (real, imagined, important or not) are what keep me from giving in completely and succumbing to the fog. When I was younger, it was my students. I mentored, taught playwriting or acting classes from Monday through Saturday, so of course I couldn’t fall apart on those days. Then Ayva came along, and I had to push through the blue to be a mother to her. Now, it’s a combination of everything. Working. Wife-ing. Mom-ing. Friend-ing.
I know that I’m very lucky in that sense.
There are folks that are dealing with depression that they have no control over. No obligation is strong enough to keep them up, to keep them from turning off the lights and hiding in the dark. But for those of you who end up sleepwalking through your days every few weeks, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Just because you are “functioning”, it doesn’t mean you’re okay or that your sadness is any less sad than other folks. There are tons of us out here, go-getter type folks who always seem to have it all together. But we don’t. And it’s okay to not always be the one that everyone can depend on to be solid and on point.
What’s next for me, then? What’s next for people like us? Well, Terrence is insisting that I try talking to someone, so I’ll do that for him. I have found an herb called Kava Kava that clears the fog and makes me feel like normal. I’ll be more active. Get fresh air. Eat more whole foods. Cut back sugar. Pray. And continue to be grateful for the obligations that boost me up on days when I need it the most.
This might sound cliche but does this only happen to you during certain seasons or maybe even moon/star alignments? Mercury is in Retrograde right now and for the past couple years it has made so much sense. galadarling.com has a great post on it
Big hugs mama <3
I was going to suggest that too. Maybe you are suffering from SAD? I just had a bout of icky feelings. The temperature got cold and I started to shut down. I’m making a Vitacost order stat. xoxo
You know, @disqus_qQFRoETZbr:disqus, I think it is a bit of SAD. Lots of folks love the fall, but it’s my least favorite season (tied with winter and early spring). I do typically shut down a bit, but this year was much more dramatic feeling. And thank you for the Vitacost mention. I hadn’t thought to order my vitamins/herbs online! Thank you!
Thank you, @disqus_Tp9APTaCmt:disqus! I have been hearing more and more about this lately, and I am VERY sensitive to atmosphere/environment (which is a reason I can’t watch horror films), so this isn’t far fetched to me at all. I appreciate you sharing this!
You are now and have always been an inspiration. I hope you find the balance of what works best for you!
And sometimes I worry that I’ve become too much of an energy zapper for you. Promise you’ll let me know when I am.
You are my comic relief. I love when I am able to see a little note or pic (the more AWESOME photos, the better!) from you. I know it’s going to make me smile. Or rage. But then at least I have an excuse. <3
Sorry you are going through this Brandi!!! Please let me know if you need anything!!! I am here for you.
I know you are, @kristin_wheeler:disqus, and I appreciate you being here for me to talk to!
I know these feelings all too well. I keep myself busy – whether it’s helping the kids with their homework, going grocery shopping, working, or just going for a drive. I also a few friends who I feel like I can talk to about anything and take advantage of that when I’m feeling down. Love you girl and am here for you if you need to talk. Bring those exclamation marks back!!!!
Thank you, @d6d298b620c9b0b819d3b274cedc5c9d:disqus. I do appreciate your exclamation marks and excitement for life. And I appreciate you for leaving this comment!
oh dear. depression is not going to go away. it doesnt matter how much vitamin C you take or how much you pray or whatever. these things are good but they only support what you might really need: an antidepressant. as we get older and our hormones change (esp after childbirth) it gets harder to bounce back from the ebb and tide of hormonal mood swings. a small amount might be all you need to help you get out of bed; couple that with the other things you do, and you’ll be better. dont suffer, dolly. there’s no shame in taking a little pill. i’d be hiding under the covers more than i already am if i wasnt properly medicated.
This is something that I’m starting to understand, @Pamlovesbooks:disqus, that it won’t go away. It’s in me, but knowing it means I can do something about it..even if that something is a pill. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with me. It definitely helps me to feel less…weird…knowing that other folks know exactly what I’m talking about.
Great post! Therapy is definitely helpful. I started when I got my lymphoma diagnosis. Funny how something that big gave me “permission” to seek therapy. Like it was ok because cancer is a bigger deal than just needing to talk about life in general. In the beginning, I kept wondering how when I would graduate from needing it. “How long is this gonna take?” I just wanted to be fixed. Now, it’s a part of the tools I use to cope with life. I totally agree with Lori Latimer. It’s MY space. I don’t have to be strong or have all the answers or be responsible or be the bigger person or brave. I can just be me, flaws and all. The more I am me inside that office, the more I bring me back out into the world.
I remember you telling me how helpful your therapy has been for you, @faridhatraylor:disqus. I think my problem was not being able to really articulate WHAT my issues are. But that’s what they’re for, right? Thank you for this comment. And for reminding me that I’m not alone.
Its good that you’re going to try talking to someone for Terrence but you should do it for you love. You’re not alone. Its great that you bring this up. Depression always was a topic that you didn’t talk about, not out loud anyways. I pray that blue Brandi comes out less and less over time. XO
It’s getting better, @areliscintron:disqus, and I’m starting to understand why I need to talk to someone for myself. Honestly, before, I didn’t really get the point of “talking” to someone.
And thank you, Sharelle D. Lowery for that cup of coffee. It was nice to get out and chat with a girlfriend. <3
Thank you for sharing your story, Saidah Washington. I think the more women like you and I talk about what we go through, it'll help others. This definitely helped me.
And thank you, @Janet Pike Krugel for letting me know that I'm not alone. Knowing that relieves some of the shame for me, for sure.
Oh, @Cyn Gagen! I had no idea that you were dealing with chronic pain. See, we all do need to share our stories so that we can support each other!
That is a fantastic suggestion, @Caroll Atkins! I do notice around the time of my cycle, it gets worse. Thank you for being so open and sharing about what you are going through, too. <3
Thank you for this comment, @Rachee Fagg. You know, the thing is, it does make me feel weak. LIke, Get Over Yourself, you know? Hearing folks say that I'm not…it helps. It really, really helps.
I am sad to hear that you are sad. Though, I appreciate your honesty and, if I must say, you are certainly not alone in your struggles. I am glad that you are getting help and that you have such a wonderful partner to get you through this!
p.s. I don’t know how I missed it, but your wedding, your marriage?? Congratulations, girl!! I’m so happy for you!!! xoxoxo.
Moreover, always see the positive side of life. Say good things about others, share with them your most memorable moments, and set aside all such moments that depress you.Indulge yourself in lots of physical exercises. A healthy body is the root to a healthy mind, attitude, and thinking. Regular practice of breathing exercises will help you overcome your depression problems. These tips to reduce depression are simple but can work wonders if followed with determination and will.
http://depressionfreeblog.com/elderly-caregivers-are-at-risk-for-depression/
Hi Brandi. This note is about 6 years too late, but I just wanted to share something I’ve learned recently. Chemical imbalances doesn’t cause depression. Being depressed comes from constantly rehearsing bad thoughts and hard times. (Please give me mercy cos I have a problem articulating too.) You said you prayed and read your bible. Replace bad thoughts with the Word. God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind.