Before I got married, I had the great fortune of receiving amazing advice from wives who were in different phases of their marriage. One of the best tips I got was from my girl, Amiyrah, who suggested that Terrence and I find something that we are passionate about that we could spend time doing together. He and I talked about writing a travel blog. We thought about running, or taking up some other sport. Finally, we decided that the thing we’re most passionate about right now is each other. So, we’re going to spend our time relishing being newlyweds, and probably annoying the folks around us in the process. If you’re a newlywed, or even if you’ve been married for a long time and just want to act like newlyweds for a little variety, here are 9 things you can do to annoy your friends.
1. Never refer to your spouse by their name.
My husband, Hubby, Hubs, The Hubster…any variation will do. Whatever you call him, definitely don’t call him by his first name. It’s the only way folks will know you’re married. (Note: There is one exception. You may call each other by your surname i.e. “Good Morning, Mrs. Johnson”. That’s probably equally as annoying as Hubster to some of your friends.)
2. Public Displays of Affection. Just do it.
My husband and I were celibate before we got married, so…yeah. Why should we keep all of that heat in the bedroom, though, when we can entertain our family and friends with inappropriate totally appropriate now that we’re married PDA?
3. Declare how glad you are that you aren’t single anymore. Often.
You’s married now! And who cares that it’s only been 12 days. Whenever any of your single friends talk about dating, say something like, “Oooh, girl! I am so glad I am not out in those single streets anymore. I don’t know how y’all do it!”
4. Publicly keep count of the days you’ve been married.
Before the wedding, I sometimes hashtagged different status updates with the number of days until our wedding. People indulged me, so I figure I can take it even further. Because folks care that I’ve been married for 12 days. Right? Fortunately, I have an app that helps me keep track of the days, and it’s easy to post a screenshot.
5. Give your single friends lots of advice.
Since I’ve been married for 12 days, I’m basically like, an expert, in relationships. I mean, obviously! Because I’m so wise, I think it’s a good idea to share my knowledge with my…less married friends. When you give advice, though, remember to end all exchanges with, “But, you know, do what you want to do. I’m just telling you what I would do, and you see where I am now. ”
6. Tease folks by using “pregnancy language”.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes…you know what folks are waiting for! Even if you aren’t trying to get pregnant, immediately after your honeymoon, start posting Facebook status updates about how you’re craving certain foods, or ask for suggestions on how to cure nausea. (NOTE: I discovered this tip accidentally the other day, but now that I know, I can do it all of the time!)
7. Reference your wedding at any chance that you get.
It’s one of the most important days of your life, so talk about it often. There is never a situation when talking about your wedding isn’t annoyingly appropriate. If your friend is talking about losing weight, let her know how much weight you lost for your wedding. If someone mentions that they’re having rice for dinner, discuss how you decided not to throw rice at your wedding, but that you did have rose petals. And oh my gosh, the food at the reception was delicious! You can do this for about, oh, a year, before folks will actually really stop ever talking to you. I think. I’ll let you know.
8. Wear newlywed paraphanalia.
I own this shirt. And I wear it. How else will people know I’m married?
9. Change your name on all of your social media accounts without warning.
Even though you know good and well no one knows your new surname, delete your old name immediately, and add your new name. Extra points if you change your picture to one that is not of you and/or is not clear or in focus so people really have to guess at who you are.
Alright, Folks. I think that’s it. Did I miss anything? Let me know if I did because the hubs and I want to make sure we get this right!
I recognize that FB status!!! LOL!!! Great post!!! LOVE it!!! You are the cutest!
Heehee! I wanted to keep you anonymous just in case you didn’t like being seen on the internet. LOL!
Hahaha! This post made me laugh and cry. Is it sad that I’ve been married for 8 years and still do these things? Don’t answer that. I’m so happy that you decided that your passion would be each other. That’s an amazing idea.
8 years???? Wow! That is just amazing! Looking forward to getting there!
Lol! This list is hilarious! Girl you alrwafy know I’m taking notes …and I think its a month before people stop talking to you, but let us know ..lol
A month??? That’s not enough time! LOL!
I love this!!!! I also love that your passion is each other. That is the way it should be. I am going to be sharing this posy with all my friends who are brides to be!
Thank you for sharing, Sarah! I’m just glad that he agreed that is passion would be me! 🙂
HAHA! I love this SO much! You are too cute lady! I would love to know that tip on how to cute nausea because I am battling it hard today. Yuck! 😉
Are you…? Could you be…? 🙂
When I got married I kept screaming, “Where’s my husband?” or I would tell people (in my Shug Avery from The Color Purple voice) “I’s done got married now!”
If I ever take the plunge again I may take you up on a few of these.
Okay. I’m stealing this. Love it!
LOL!! Love this. I am so happy for you and taking notes.
Thanks, Laila! Yep, keep this one in the notebook and pull it out when the time is right!
Ok, you cracked me up with this one! I have to tell my hubby that we are still newly weds after 23 years because I still enjoy numbers 2, 3, 4 and 5! Hahahaha. I want to go read this again, it was fun.
Those are my favorites, too, actually. 😉
Congratulations and had to pass on to another newlywed to make sure she got it right.. 🙂
Thanks so much, Val! Yeah, newlyweds need to know this!
Brandi you are so crazy girl. This is too funny but true.
Haha! Oh, y’all married folks know that this is true!!!
Too funny.
My cousin teased me for awhile because she swore I said “my husband” a gazillion times a day!
I think I’m at about a gazillion, too, @joycebrewer:disqus!
This is super cute! Congrats again!
Thank you, @carollbritshoneeatkins:disqus!
OMG #1 is ***the worst!!!*** LOLOLOL ~There was an old friend of mine that did this like ALL of the time–even with me!! I was like, “Dude, I’ve known both of you all since kindergarten–call him by his NAME!!” ROTFL Oh: and another one is when you constantly mention in the presence of your single friends that you, your husband, and “some other MARRIED couples are hanging out or going somewhere together–of course placing that super-extra emphasis on the word “married.” Or you mention you’re going to something and your single friend says something like, “Hey, that sounds fun-when is it: I’ll go with you” and you respond, “Well, it’s only for MARRIED people, so….” 😀
I love all of these — and most of them I actually know some couples that still do them and they’ve been married for many years! Lol ~Congrats again!! 🙂
One more (Ha!!!) When every time you’re holding a conversation, it’s an absolute **must** that you use hand gestures……..but only with your left hand facing outward!! 😀
Ha ha – I love this list!