Looking back at the way events have unfolded in my life over the last few years, it can seem at times like I’m living in a fairytale. There’s been romance, adventure, and the most amazing cast of characters that have helped to make my story even more fanciful and sweet. When I reflect on the way my life has been blessed, I can’t help but to be thankful and wonder what I did to deserve all this. I don’t take any of this for granted.
That’s why it’s so hard to admit that I think a lot about one thing that I don’t have. I pray about it everyday. I stress about it. Cry over it. And I feel terrible. I mean, I have everything I could ever want, isn’t it greedy to want more? Shouldn’t I be focusing on the positive things I have going on instead of spending energy on the thing that isn’t happening?
I’ve tried. I have.
But I still want more.
I want another baby.
I have friends who haven’t had even one baby, yet, and here I am wanting a second one. I know it seems ungrateful, and I don’t mean to be at all. Ayva is the absolute joy of my life. Becoming a mother to her was the missing piece that completed me when she was born. If it happens that I don’t have any more children, I am thankful that the one I have is so outrageously perfect for me.
She’s part of the reason that I want a baby. She’ll be such a great big sister, and she’s talked a lot about how she would take care of her little brother or sister. Being a big sister myself, I’ll be able to help her navigate the sometimes challenging role, and celebrate the wins. It’s a big job and Ayva is totally up for it.
Then there’s Terrence. World’s Best Dad. He’s never had a chance to experience the infant years. The first smile, first laugh, crawling. He’s done the work of fifteen fathers with our daughter, and he totally deserves the opportunity to
wake up at 3 am for a feeding bask in sweet baby love.
Finally, there’s me. My first pregnancy and baby having experience wasn’t easy at all. There were so many silver linings that the impact of the tough parts don’t really affect me anymore, but still, I’d love to be able to have a pregnancy when I’m emotionally and financially stable with a supportive partner and no external stress. I want to read the pregnancy test and be excited instead of scared out of my mind. I want to be able to remember to take pictures in the delivery room, and videos every single day of my maternity.
It’s not really a do over that I’m looking for. I actually would NOT change anything from my first go round. I learned so much about myself, about learning to trust other people and ask for help, and gained perspective that truly changed my life. No, what I want is a do again. Differently.
We’re a great family. Terrence, Ayva, and I will be so good to a new baby, whenever they come. If ever they come.
I’m just praying for a chance for us to be able to do it again.