Before I got married, I had the great fortune of receiving amazing advice from wives who were in different phases of their marriage. One of the best tips I got was from my girl, Amiyrah, who suggested that Terrence and I find something that we are passionate about that we could spend time doing together. He and I talked about writing a travel blog. We thought about running, or taking up some other sport. Finally, we decided that the thing we’re most passionate about right now is each other. So, we’re going to spend our time relishing being newlyweds, and probably annoying the folks around us in the process. If you’re a newlywed, or even if you’ve been married for a long time and just want to act like newlyweds for a little variety, here are 9 things you can do to annoy your friends.
1. Never refer to your spouse by their name.
My husband, Hubby, Hubs, The Hubster…any variation will do. Whatever you call him, definitely don’t call him by his first name. It’s the only way folks will know you’re married. (Note: There is one exception. You may call each other by your surname i.e. “Good Morning, Mrs. Johnson”. That’s probably equally as annoying as Hubster to some of your friends.)
2. Public Displays of Affection. Just do it.
My husband and I were celibate before we got married, so…yeah. Why should we keep all of that heat in the bedroom, though, when we can entertain our family and friends with
inappropriate totally appropriate now that we’re married PDA?
3. Declare how glad you are that you aren’t single anymore. Often.
You’s married now! And who cares that it’s only been 12 days. Whenever any of your single friends talk about dating, say something like, “Oooh, girl! I am so glad I am not out in those single streets anymore. I don’t know how y’all do it!”
4. Publicly keep count of the days you’ve been married.
Before the wedding, I sometimes hashtagged different status updates with the number of days until our wedding. People indulged me, so I figure I can take it even further. Because folks care that I’ve been married for 12 days. Right? Fortunately, I have an app that helps me keep track of the days, and it’s easy to post a screenshot.
5. Give your single friends lots of advice.
Since I’ve been married for 12 days, I’m basically like, an expert, in relationships. I mean, obviously! Because I’m so wise, I think it’s a good idea to share my knowledge with my…less married friends. When you give advice, though, remember to end all exchanges with, “But, you know, do what you want to do. I’m just telling you what I would do, and you see where I am now. ”
6. Tease folks by using “pregnancy language”.
First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes…you know what folks are waiting for! Even if you aren’t trying to get pregnant, immediately after your honeymoon, start posting Facebook status updates about how you’re craving certain foods, or ask for suggestions on how to cure nausea. (NOTE: I discovered this tip accidentally the other day, but now that I know, I can do it all of the time!)
7. Reference your wedding at any chance that you get.
It’s one of the most important days of your life, so talk about it often. There is never a situation when talking about your wedding isn’t annoyingly appropriate. If your friend is talking about losing weight, let her know how much weight you lost for your wedding. If someone mentions that they’re having rice for dinner, discuss how you decided not to throw rice at your wedding, but that you did have rose petals. And oh my gosh, the food at the reception was delicious! You can do this for about, oh, a year, before folks will actually really stop ever talking to you. I think. I’ll let you know.
8. Wear newlywed paraphanalia.
I own this shirt. And I wear it. How else will people know I’m married?
9. Change your name on all of your social media accounts without warning.
Even though you know good and well no one knows your new surname, delete your old name immediately, and add your new name. Extra points if you change your picture to one that is not of you and/or is not clear or in focus so people really have to guess at who you are.
Alright, Folks. I think that’s it. Did I miss anything? Let me know if I did because the hubs and I want to make sure we get this right!