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Two Steps Back

little girl in a helmet

Is there ever a point where I’ll stop beating myself up for not being the perfect mom? I’m starting to think that there won’t be. Please allow me to vent for a bit, y’all. I really don’t like whining or complaining, but I feel like I’m never going to get ahead in parenting. I take three steps forward, and two steps back. We bake cookies from scratch—three steps. Then I half listen when she’s telling me a story–two steps.

I absolutely love being a mom. Ayva is obviously amazing. She’s smart, energetic and has the sweetest heart. Earlier this evening she wrote a note for me, “To Brandi -I love you – Love Terrence and Ayva”. How thoughtful was it for her to add her dad to the note, too? That’s the type of little girl that I’m dealing with over here. So you can see how sometimes, often, it feels like I’m just not good enough for her.

I know that I’m not alone. So many of my friends have expressed the same sentiments. This duality of motherhood is intense love coupled with the overwhelming feeling that we’re always doing something wrong. It’s enough to drive to drive a woman crazy. So, how do we stop beating ourselves up? How do we stop overthinking every little decision we make and just enjoy being parents? I’ve been thinking about this, well, probably since the day Ayva was born, and I think tonight I finally figured it out.

It’ll never change. We’re never going to get everything right, and that’s okay. What matters is that we care and that we actually want to be great moms to our children. It matters that when we recognize we’re not doing something right (i.e. the not paying attention when she’s talking), that we make changes to our behavior. It matters that we listen. That we hug and kiss and are affectionate and loving and encouraging and empowering.

Yeah, that “not good enough” feeling will probably never go away, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep working to make the circumstances behind the feeling go away. I’m going to make sure we keep taking these steps forward, though, because at least it means we’re moving together.

Millicent Wess

Saturday 10th of January 2015

Hi Mama Knows It All,

I read and resonated with your post "Two Steps Back". Itreminded me of something I read recently on FB by Renee Swope. "Just because I fail doesn't mean I'm a failure." That was a blessing to me. You might like her writings as well. I tried several times to send or "share" that particular story from a mom with you on FB but couldn't seem to do it. (That tells you a lot about my technology abilities.). Anyway, you csn find it on FB if you are interested in reading it. It is from a mom with similar struggles. Sending you big hugs and prayers as you continue to do your best and take steps forward.


Saturday 10th of January 2015

Oh, Millicent, thank you so much! I appreciate your kind words, and I will absolutely check out Renee Swope! Thank you for your prayers,and I'll pray for you as well! <3


Sunday 4th of January 2015

Hi Brandi, Some days are good. Some days are bad. Some days you do the very thing that caused us to feel this way. Take time for you and her and make sure you talk and enjoy each other and stop beating yourself up.