Two Steps Back

Is there ever a point where I’ll stop beating myself up for not being the perfect mom? I’m starting to think that there won’t be. Please allow me to vent for a bit, y’all. I really don’t like whining or complaining, but I feel like I’m never going to get ahead in parenting. I take three steps forward, and two steps back. We bake cookies from scratch—three steps. Then I half listen when she’s telling me a story–two steps.

I absolutely love being a mom. Ayva is obviously amazing. She’s smart, energetic and has the sweetest heart. Earlier this evening she wrote a note for me, “To Brandi -I love you – Love Terrence and Ayva”. How thoughtful was it for her to add her dad to the note, too? That’s the type of little girl that I’m dealing with over here. So you can see how sometimes, often, it feels like I’m just not good enough for her.

I know that I’m not alone. So many of my friends have expressed the same sentiments. This duality of motherhood is intense love coupled with the overwhelming feeling that we’re always doing something wrong. It’s enough to drive to drive a woman crazy. So, how do we stop beating ourselves up? How do we stop overthinking every little decision we make and just enjoy being parents? I’ve been thinking about this, well, probably since the day Ayva was born, and I think tonight I finally figured it out.

It’ll never change. We’re never going to get everything right, and that’s okay. What matters is that we care and that we actually want to be great moms to our children. It matters that when we recognize we’re not doing something right (i.e. the not paying attention when she’s talking), that we make changes to our behavior. It matters that we listen. That we hug and kiss and are affectionate and loving and encouraging and empowering.

Yeah, that “not good enough” feeling will probably never go away, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to keep working to make the circumstances behind the feeling go away. I’m going to make sure we keep taking these steps forward, though, because at least it means we’re moving together.