Life with a baby is pretty easy up until two things happen. The first challenges start when the baby starts to get mobile. When Jamie started rolling over, and then a few weeks later when he mastered crawling, it felt like getting promoted from the bench to the starting line-up. Suddenly I’m always moving, chasing after this little guy as he explores his surroundings and forces me to get exercise.

The second change happens when the baby starts teething. A normal milestone in babies is oral exploration, and Jamie was already putting everything in his mouth. Now that he’s teething and he’s being introduced to eating solids, he’s on a quest to find things that taste good and soothe his gums.

So now that I have a baby who can crawl who is also teething, let me tell you—HELP!!!

I’m kidding. Kind of. I know that this is a phase that Jamie is in, so I have to be diligent in making sure we all put things up that he could choke on. I’m constantly scanning the floor for the little bits of paper and itty bitty things that Jamie always seems to find. That kid has some good eyesight! If nothing else, at least I’m vacuuming and cleaning the floor more than ever, now, so there’s that. I owe the kid for making me a better homemaker!

Since this is my second child, I’m a lot less stressed out about this putting things in the mouth phase than some new parents might be. I actually kind of get it. I’ve been known to chew on a pen or straw, so I know how soothing it can be. If Jamie is gumming something that isn’t nasty or a choking hazard, I pretty much let him go for it. I’m still pulling things out of his mouth every 2.5 minutes, but there are some exceptions.

I decided to keep a list of everything that Jamie tried to eat today. I got up to thirty one and then I lost track. For old school parents, this list might make you remember the good old days of chasing behind a human vacuum cleaner. New parents, you’re probably judging me. Ah well, the kid is still healthy, so even with a list of 31 (and counting) non-food items that my baby tried to eat, I still chalk today up as a success.

31 Things My Baby Tried to Eat Today

1. remote control
2. hair brush
3. comb
4. my keys
5. a notebook
6. a piece of paper from Ayva’s school
7. a clothing tag
8. my brother’s hat
9. a diaper
10. the top of the lotion bottle
11. his swaddle blanket
12. my belt
13. a sock
14. my cell phone
15. Terrence’s cell phone
16. my iPad
17. Ayva’s stuffed unicorn
18. my foot
19. the clip on my nursing bra. while I was wearing it.
20. a whiteboard marker
21. the whiteboard
22. a paper towel
23. his burp cloth
24. a computer charger
25. a tiny piece of paper
26. one of the Cheerios that fell to the floor while I was trying to clean him up
27. the edge of the coffee table
28. Ayva’s flip flop
29. an empty water bottle
30. the flowers on my dress
31. my hair

Don’t worry about my baby starving, though. Even though I didn’t let him eat any of this stuff, Jamie was able to chow down on Cheerios, rice cereal, a banana, and all the breastmilk he could drink. The boy is good. Mama is tired, but the boy is good.