Alright, I have to tell y’all something lest you think I’m some sort of well-adjusted, roll with the punches type gal. Ayva and I are moving to the other side of the country in a few weeks, and I am scared out of my mind. I know that it might be difficult to tell if you happen to look at my Facebook status updates or tweets. There’s a lot of “I’m so excited”, and “!!!”, and smiley faced icons. While those things are accurate, in order to keep it “one hundred” with my online peeps, I gotta just say that this move is a big, huge deal, and that fact is not lost on me at all.
Emotionally, I’m a wreck.
It’s a weird type of wreck, though. I don’t have the luxury of completely shutting down like I would like to. Who would take care of Ayva? I can’t have a breakdown. There isn’t anyone who can read my mind and take care of all of the things that need to be taken care of before we leave so that I can hide under my blanket until it’s time to board the plane. Earlier this week, I told one of my friends that I wish I would have gone to California for a visit and then decided to just never come back. I wouldn’t have to pack anything, I wouldn’t have to plan anything, I’d just let the move happen in a natural, organic way that wouldn’t completely mess up my chi.
My chi is fucked.
A few days ago, I dusted off my copy of the book, “Who Moved My Cheese?”. It’s all about change and the responses to change that different people have. It isn’t helping. I set a date to leave. And then I changed it. I started packing a little bit. And then I stopped. I look for jobs. And then I don’t. I research preschools for Ayva. And then I quit. I just can’t seem to get it together. Add a full-time job that’s bananas right now, a part-time job that is bonkers, and right there, folks, you get the recipe for crazy.
Am I crazy, y’all?
There has never been a time in my adult life when I really put my trust in another person. Trust in God, yes. Trust in myself and my own abilities, definitely, but another human being? I just haven’t had to do that. As a child, I was disappointed so often from people that I learned not to expect anything from anyone. It’s different now, though. I’m giving up everything. Everything. I have to learn to trust. And I have to find a job. And I have to find a preschool.
Look, this move is going to happen. I want it to happen. I can’t wait for it to happen. I really believe that the life that waits for Ayva and me in California is going to be better than I could even imagine. But, I’m human. And I’m scared. And that’s normal.
Friday 11th of July 2014
'As a child, I was disappointed so often from people that I learned not to expect anything from anyone."
This has been the biggest struggle for me is learning to completely TRUST another person, but it's what I want - it's what you wanted or else you wouldn't have moved to Cali. It's so scary to think about, uprooting your whole life, everything you know, but for love for family for future? That's something worth doing. I am still in the early stages of considering a move, but will need to research jobs and schools which will be a headache I'm sure since I'll be working full-time in the process, but I'm trying to let go of my perfectionism and need for everything to fall in line and know that if I want this, then it will work out.
Friday 31st of May 2013
Monday 18th of February 2013
That is what I meant when I told you that I would be scared if I was in your situation. Bravery to me means you do the things that you want and or need to do even when you are afraid. Being human sometimes means being afraid of what will happen if we make one decision or another. We won't find out what happens next if we don't make decisions and move forward. Like I said "I have seen you make some bold decisions,and it makes me proud" . There is no shame in fear. I know you'll be alright. Thanks Brandi