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I Shaved My Legs – Day 1


I shaved my legs today.

Yeah. In the grand scheme of life, that’s not something to brag about, but for Blue Brandi, it’s an accomplishment. Over the last few months I’ve been teetering on the brink of extreme sadness, and more often than I’d like to admit, I’ve stumbled through days pushing with every inch of my life to Earlier this year, a switch flipped in my brain, flooding my mind with terrible memories that have been working overtime to remind me that  I don’t deserve love, I am ruined, broken, and otherwise not worthy.


Depression is a dirty, filthy liar.

Except that, sometimes though, depression is convincing. And like a possessive lover that uses mind tricks to control, depression has had me questioning every move I make, scared to bare myself, anxious about going out and being around people because I’m  ruined, broken, and otherwise not worthy. Everything from the clothes that I’ve been wearing to the way I’ve been styling my hair have been dictated by the deception of depression, low self-esteem, and an overall sense of blue.

Your legs are too fat to wear those shorts.

Everyone can see your bald spot when you wear your hair like that.

No one thinks you’re interesting. Why don’t you just stop talking?

That mom is way more fun than you.

That guy’s wife is probably normal. 

You’re not smart enough.

What have you actually succeeded at? 

Today, though, I did my hair, ate breakfast and lunch, went to the coffee shop to work, unplugged to watch Ayva dance for an hour, and started dinner.

I prayed for my family, and for my friends.

And I shaved my legs.

Day 1.

beverly spell

Saturday 13th of December 2014

I just found your blog through disqus and I'm so glad I did. I read about your depression and send you prayers and thanks for actually writing about your struggle. Ive been wanting to somehow include it in my blog and reading yours I feel the strength to somehow talk about it. I have had depression and anxiety since my teens but worsened after the death of my dad, mom, and grandparents. I have since gotten help and am on meds but still have those same kind of days you are talking about. You are not alone! If you ever feel that way reach out, i'm here and I don't know your beliefs but so is the Lord. My favorite bible scripture gives me and hopefully you strength. It says," I can do ALL things through Christ Jesus who gives me strength". Give him your cares and worries , he is the one thing that gets me through each day. No, I'm not perfect or even close but somehow he still loves us!! Even with all our "flaws". Hold on hunny do not give up and keep moving forward, you've got alot going for you and I feel privilaged to have found you and your blog! Thanks so very much! beverly spell


Sunday 14th of December 2014

Beverly, you have no idea how much this sweet message means to me right now. I appreciate you taking the time to write, and I LOVE that verse. You've just reminded me to meditate on it for awhile. Thank YOU so much!

beverly spell

Saturday 13th of December 2014

P.s. That scripture is found in philippians chapter 4 verse 13 thanks again and God bless you!

maryanne @ mama smiles

Wednesday 27th of August 2014

{hugs} - and congratulations! Depression is tough.

Mallery Schuplin

Tuesday 26th of August 2014

Day 1: I am here for you.

Paula Bendfeldt-Diaz

Tuesday 26th of August 2014

Sending you lots of love my friend. I've been there. Depression is a sneaky and convincing liar. You are beautiful, intelligent and amazing and I admire you greatly. Give yourself permission to be happy and to love yourself like others love you. Take it one day at a time and keep up being your wonderful self. Depression will have no option than go back to that black hole from where it came. A big hug!!

Arelis Cintron

Tuesday 26th of August 2014

Wrapping you in a big embrace right now love. So many things have been going on this year that I don't have time to hear the voices. But they are the reason why I don't own a pair of shorts. But you know they are lies ... lies ... lies. One day at a time is great. Let me know if there's anything you need. Just a text away! Thank God for Terrence! Praying for you and your family. It is hard to face and hard to explain, but you openly speaking about it helps us all! Thank you for that! Thank you for being you! Tell those lies to hush!