After being away from home for a few days on a business trip. I came home last night to a note on my pillow. Ayva had written, “Thank God for Mommy” and drew a picture of the two of us together. If you guess that I started crying, you’d be right. It’s always nice to be appreciated. I gotta say, it’s tough when I go away and have to leave Ayva and Terrence at home, but lately it’s been more challenging than normal. I feel a lot of guilt for going away.
It used to be that I was worried about things getting done. Will Ayva remember to pack her lunch? I hope Terrence doesn’t forget he has to drive carpool. I’m not so much concerned with that anymore. If anything, it seems like things run smoother when I’m not home. That could just be my perspective because I’m not on “for the fifth time, Ayva, go brush your teeth!” duty. That’s the part I don’t miss when I’m out of town! No, I’m not worries about that the schedule at all. They have the routine down.
The hardest part is just being separated at all.
When I’m at home, I can sometimes take for granted the proximity of kisses and snuggles. The spontaneous cries of “Y’all are seriously weirdos!” as I crack up over the silliness of my sweet Rileys is easy to miss when I’m gone. Even though a lot of the times when I’m home we hang out together and then head off into our own spaces in the apartment, just knowing that we’re in the same space is comforting. I love calling out to Ayva to come and give me a hug. It’s so easy to yell to Terrence in the living room to get his opinion on something I’m working on. The way we chill is everything. It’s everything, y’all. I miss that when I travel, and I feel like Ayva and Terrence are missing out when I don’t get to hang with them. That’s where a lot of the guilt comes from.
Before I left, Terrence brought me roses and wrote me a note letting me know how proud he was of me for taking care of all of my business. He didn’t have any bad feelings about me going away. Ayva’s note on my pillow means that she clearly feels the same way as her dad. Thanking God for me shows me that she’s grateful for the work that I’m doing in order to benefit our family, but she’s okay. I mean, life went on, she didn’t forget about me, and she doesn’t feel any bad feelings about me having to travel. She understands it more than I thought, and now it’s time for me to get it, too.
I’m grateful for the trips away. They make me remember to be grateful for the team that I have waiting for me at home. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to drag them along with me whenever things work out, but I’m going to work to stop feeling guilty for going away. I think it’s time.