Women go through so many changes during pregnancy. Physically, our bodies morph into whatever it needs to in order to provide sustenance to our babies. We endure aches and pains because we know it’s all for a greater cause. Even as I write this post, my hands are swollen and ache. Apparently the water I’m retaining is my body’s way of prepping for the labor I’m due to go through in just a few days.
Emotionally, pregnancy does a number on us. For some, it takes them down a road to an unknown dark place. It can be tough. Fortunately for me, having a baby in my belly mellows me out and makes me feel better about everything in life. When I was pregnant with, and after I had Ayva, I felt less anxious and impatient. A lot of the anger that I had from my childhood and early adult life melted away, and I finally started to understand what it meant to live in peace.
With this baby, I feel stronger. I’ve semi-jokingly said that I’m surprised I still have any friends left because my filter is completely gone. What I need, what I want—that’s important, and being pregnant this time has helped me to assert my value everywhere and with everyone. Not having a filter isn’t just about being bold and outspoken, though. It’s also being humble enough to ask for help, and to accept assistance when it’s offered. It’s also being able to say no.
Life isn’t perfect. I have a father that I’m estranged from. Friendships that I’ve had to release. There are situations where I feel taken for granted that I’m working through. Still trying to figure out how to navigate this wanting to go dark online but need to make a living. There are some things that I need to work out.
I’ve cut some folks off, and opened up to others. I stopped eating donuts, and started eating dairy-free ice cream. I gained 35 pounds. I love the way my hair looks. I’m saying thank you to people at least twenty times a day, and I feel grateful that I have that many people who are willing to support me.
So much is changing.
Giving birth to a new baby. Giving birth to a new me.