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Comfortable – A Pregnancy Story

Me. Pregnant. 30.

I had big plans for my 30th birthday, and none of them involved being a single mom. It’s not that I never wanted a child, it’s just that, at that time, 3 years ago, I wasn’t emotionally ready. I can admit it now (it was much harder then), I was lonely. I had been alone a lot for much of my 20’s, living my life as a single woman, but I don’t know what it was about the 29th year that made all of the hurt and pain that I’d gone through as a child come to the surface.

Dealing with my challenging past alone made it easy for me to pretend that bad was good in a relationship that wasn’t. I wanted to believe the things he told me, wanted to dream of a life that was different and better than the one I had lived as a child. I was in denial, though, and he was slick…and then I was pregnant. I’d thought I might have a big party for my 30th birthday, maybe go on a trip, I never planned to have a baby.
When I discovered that I was pregnant, a few weeks before my birthday, life as I knew it shifted immediately. The overwhelming morning (noon and night) sickness was a big factor for the change, but  knowing that I needed to “get right” for my unborn child was a greater motivator. I knew that I needed to deal with all of the previously unaddressed issues in my life if I wanted a shot at being a decent mom.  It was uncomfortable, dredging up those old skeletons and working my way through them. There were pages and pages of journal entries, talking to myself, tears…you know, all the self psychiatry usuals. Thank God for my child’s village, who reminded me, always, to take care of a yet to be born Ayva, and who gave me room and support to focus on taking care of me.
So, am I better? Have all the pains of my past been erased? Not completely, but I’m a lot more comfortable today than I was then. A lot has changed in the last three years, all for the better. And you know what, my 34th birthday is coming up, and I have big plans…and none of them involve being a single mom. 🙂
This post was inspired by a prompt from the weekly Shades of Social Media Link Up. Karla from Belly Button Boutique asked us to write about “Uncomfortable While Pregnant”.