Alright, I have to tell y’all something lest you think I’m some sort of well-adjusted, roll with the punches type gal. Ayva and I are moving to the other side of the country in a few weeks, and I am scared out of my mind. I know that it might be difficult to tell if you happen to look at my Facebook status updates or tweets. There’s a lot of “I’m so excited”, and “!!!”, and smiley faced icons. While those things are accurate, in order to keep it “one hundred” with my online peeps, I gotta just say that this move is a big, huge deal, and that fact is not lost on me at all.
Emotionally, I’m a wreck.
It’s a weird type of wreck, though. I don’t have the luxury of completely shutting down like I would like to. Who would take care of Ayva? I can’t have a breakdown. There isn’t anyone who can read my mind and take care of all of the things that need to be taken care of before we leave so that I can hide under my blanket until it’s time to board the plane. Earlier this week, I told one of my friends that I wish I would have gone to California for a visit and then decided to just never come back. I wouldn’t have to pack anything, I wouldn’t have to plan anything, I’d just let the move happen in a natural, organic way that wouldn’t completely mess up my chi.
My chi is fucked.
A few days ago, I dusted off my copy of the book, “Who Moved My Cheese?”. It’s all about change and the responses to change that different people have. It isn’t helping. I set a date to leave. And then I changed it. I started packing a little bit. And then I stopped. I look for jobs. And then I don’t. I research preschools for Ayva. And then I quit. I just can’t seem to get it together. Add a full-time job that’s bananas right now, a part-time job that is bonkers, and right there, folks, you get the recipe for crazy.
Am I crazy, y’all?
There has never been a time in my adult life when I really put my trust in another person. Trust in God, yes. Trust in myself and my own abilities, definitely, but another human being? I just haven’t had to do that. As a child, I was disappointed so often from people that I learned not to expect anything from anyone. It’s different now, though. I’m giving up everything. Everything. I have to learn to trust. And I have to find a job. And I have to find a preschool.
Look, this move is going to happen. I want it to happen. I can’t wait for it to happen. I really believe that the life that waits for Ayva and me in California is going to be better than I could even imagine. But, I’m human. And I’m scared. And that’s normal.